Top tips of how to approach conflict...

Even the words can be changed instead of conflict, we could say a disagreement or debate.  Depending on whether you are a conflict avoider or conflict seeker the words will have an impact on how you feel. 

When approaching a situation that you don't feel is right the best course of action is to be in the right mindset.  Being in a Win Win frame of mind, believe that all parties can be happy with the outcome.  In the excellent book "Getting to Yes" by Roger Fisher, William Ury & Bruce Patton, they tell the library story.  Two people are sitting in the library, and one individual wants the window open to let in fresh air, the other individual does not want to sit in a draft.  They both hold their positions firmly and a conflict begins.  The librarian who hears the dispute steps in and opens a window further down the corridor to satisfy both parties.  One individual has fresh air and the other is not in a draft.  The librarian focused on the interests of both parties but did not take a position. 

You must always share your experience of the situation that you are aggrieved about and use "I" statements.  With this summary it is about how you felt and thought no interpretation of the other parties experience.  If you say "I felt left out" that is your experience and non negotiable.  People often in conflict go to meaning "I was ignored at the meeting as you don't think I have anything to offer"  This statement is not about your experience and you have leapt ahead by analysing the situation and stamping a reason around the behaviour.  By simply saying how the behaviour made you feel is all that is required.

Too many times in conflict people get swept into the past instead of focusing on the future.  The past is normally where there have been unresolved problems and there is no benefit on sifting through them again.

We cannot ignore conflict.  If you have a stone in shoe and carrying on walking eventually the stone might do damage to your foot, it is the same if you ignore a disagreement.  Relationships suffer long term and they have no depth to them as you have not entered into a meaningful conversation.

Active listening and empathetically listening to their experience could be all that is needed.  You might be both misunderstanding each others approach.  By truly listening to how they feel you may well realise that your own actions have been misinterpreted.

Go into any conflict situation with your ideal outcome, good outcome and your least acceptable outcome.  Be prepared to be surprised that you may even share the same ideas you are just both reading each other the wrong way. Sometimes the root cause of the conflict might not even be the same. You are not happy about messy kitchen and neither are they, but mess to them is dirty dishes whereas mess to you is a dirty floor.  Understand the topic or root cause of the conflict. 

Please do get in touch for a workshop on Conflict Resolution bev@nuggetsoflearning.co.uk