Empathy…
Empathy is an emotional skill and as with any skill you have to keep practising to gain mastery.
It is about our ability to understand what some-one is experiencing and to reflect back our understanding.
The attributes of empathy by Theresa Wiseman:-
- Perspective taking – what is the experience like for you?
- Staying out of judgment – just listen don’t evaluate
- Recognising emotion
- Communicating our understanding
- Practising mindfulness – feeling the emotion and moving through it
Empathy is a tool of compassion, we only truly experience it if we are present for some-one else’s pain. If we are not willing to be fully present then it’s not real empathy.
Brené Brown writes in Atlas of the Heart “ We need to dispel the myth that empathy is walking in someone else’s shoes. Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences”
Empathy misses:-
- Sympathy – “I feel so sorry for you” – empathy is not feeling sorry for some-one
- Judgement – The gasp from your friend is not empathy – over reaction will make the person feel shame
- Disappointment – “You’ve let me down” – if they are looking for you to be exemplary all the time is not relating to you
- Comparing/Competing – “If you think that’s bad” – not about you, must be their agenda
- Problem solving – “I can fix it” – just listen don’t go into fixer mode
- Avoid – “Let’s make this go away” – sit with the discomfort and connect in a meaningful way
We need to truly listen and be present for the person feeling what they are feeling to even begin to master empathy.
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